Ah, the emotional tailspin of leaving the house all confident in a flirty teeny mini, and diving into the usual discomfort a bold hem creates as you go about your day.
Confession time: I love teeny mini dresses. In theory. I love how playful and flirty they are, how they seem to be full of fun and twenty-something goodness. They’re like the epitome of summertime, where bare legs and tanned skin reign. They bring up images of patio hangouts, curbside eats around parked food trucks, and beach bum afternoons, all moments full of sun and lazy cheerfulness.
They’re wonderful. That is, until they’re not. The downside of a teeny mini is the, ah, logistics involved around wearing one. One cannot just merely step out wearing the piece, with no game plan or tactics in place. This isn’t amateur hour, folks. A girl has to know where she’s going, what sorts of activities will be involved (as in, will I have to, er, sit anywhere?), if there’s a brisk breeze out…like I said, an intricate plan needs to be hammered down prior to the shoes being put on.
And we’ve all been there at least once. We’ve all been at that fateful moment where- after enduring a few harrowing hours of fidgeting, hem pulling, and leg crossing- we put our head down and think, “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
You know just what I’m talking about. Below at the seven emotional stages of wearing a mini dress all day.
1. The 'Move Over, Beyonce' Stage
Get it, kween. You’re standing in front of the mirror- dabbing on the last of your lipstick- as you feel a rush of smug pleasure as you give yourself the once-over. That dress makes you kind of want to make out with your reflection in the mirror. Nodding in approval, you absently wonder why you don’t wear it everyday. I mean, you’re clearly unstoppable in this number.
2. The 'Life Is Good' Stage
You’re walking to your bus stop and you feel like everything is just a song outside. The sky is blue, that guy in the coffee shop window just flashed a smile at you, and is it just you or do you have a hot little strut going right now? It’s the dress. It has powers. Life is so good.
3. The 'Oh, Um, I Have To Sit?' Stage
You get on the bus and, absently, walk to the back where there are seats open. Taking off your sunnies, you’re about to plop down when you notice something: If you bend over even just a little, your dress magically turns into a shirt. I repeat, there’s no real way physics will allow you to sit down right now. Stubborn and undeterred, you grab your hem and pull down as you stiffly lower yourself into the seat, battling with the shift to stay down. You manage to bring butt to seat but notice, with some alarm, that while you were able to save it from becoming a shirt, you were only able to convince it to become a tunic. Pretending it was all part of the plan, you put your purse in your lap and pray the bus ride won’t take too long.
4. The 'Where Did This Friggen Wind Come From?' Stage
There’s wind. The first of the many challenges you’ll face. And even though you’re fast, no woman is ever that fast. Hopefully you thought ahead and wore a nice pair of undies today, because a few people are going to become well acquainted with them pretty soon. You wore the Beauty and the Beast pair, didn’t you? Of course you did.
5. The 'Is She Looking At Me?' Stage
The first wave of doubts start rolling in, and you begin to feel a smidge self-conscious. You were all for this length back at home, but now that you’re surrounded by people you feel like you’re getting some judgmental vibes from a few different corners. You notice people glancing in your direction, catch side-eyes that were intended to be sly. You hear two girls giggle and pull at your hem, even though you’re 98% sure that wasn’t about you. It’s all in your head, but it’s a hard knee-jerk reaction to control.
6. The 'It’s Time To Strategize' Stage
Alright, if you go down this street you’ll have to jog up a flight of stairs at the end of it, and that’s a no-go what with the hem situation. So nix that way. You can go grab lunch at the coffee shop a couple of blocks down but, oh, they have really low couches for chairs and that would make this little number spring up into its own version of a bandeau top. No thank you. If you catch the train during rush hour then there won’t be any seats open and you have a reason to stand, so that’s nice. Let’s hope there isn’t some chivalrous guy wanting to give up his seat.
You’ve now reached the point where you’ve hit survival mode, figuring out all the ways you can keep from your underwear flashing. You’re like a general, trying to save his men in a tricky battle situation. May you make it out in one piece.
7. The 'Screw It, I’m Too Tired For This' Stage
After a good portion of the day trying to keep the hem of your dress down, you reach a point where you just don’t give anymore. At this point, half the town has seen your butt cheeks; what are a few more people? And in all honesty, you’re not doing anyone a disservice. Your butt is nice, and the worst that can happen is that they get the “Be Our Guest” song stuck in their head after glimpsing the pattern. Huffing out a tired breath, you plop down in your seat without caring about the results. You have your inner Beyonce back- and you look damn good in this teeny tiny mini. Nodding your head at your reflection in the window, you’ve found yourself coming back to full circle. Sasha Fierce is back in the house, but she’s totally ready for those sweatpants.