We live in a world where meeting someone IRL is so much more complicated than ever before. A potential date can seem perfectly normal, funny, and/or clever during a rapidfire exchange of witty text messages, and then exhibit grossly alarming behavior – such as a distinct lack of table manners, for one – IRL.
How about that awkward moment when the guy who seems like a total gentleman actually turns out to be a real womanizer – or worse, the one that claims he’s a feminist when he’s decidedly the opposite? (True story.) Maybe they just don’t have their shit together – as in at all, whatsoever – and you have to try and crack an awkward smile as it becomes evidently more clear that they are doing their best just to keep their life from completely falling apart.
(Hey, no judgment here; it’s not like I’ve got my own shit completely together, but I also don’t want to date someone who’s a walking trainwreck.)
At the very least, you’ll soon realize that the person sitting on the opposite end of the table is nowhere near worth your time and energy. Whatever the premise of this incredibly awkward first date, here are all the panicked thoughts that will fly through your head while suffering through it.
1. Well, he doesn’t look exactly like his profile picture on *insert online dating app here*, but he’s still cute.
2. Managed to both stand in line together and order our food at the cafe without lapsing into any overly long awkward silences. This is probably more encouraging than it should be.
3. Whoa. Did he really not even OFFER to pay for me?
4. Kay. That just happened.
5. We are on a COFFEE DATE. I mean, I know coffee prices are really getting up there – especially in San Francisco – but c’mon! A girl’s gotta get her caffeine fix.
6. If tapping his fingers, jiggling his leg, and shimmying his foot every ten seconds is any indication of his nervousness, I’m a far less anxious person than I thought I was.
7. Thanking my lucky stars I’m not as nervous as all that right now.
8. And also for being an independent agent who don’t need no man. Because this guy seems like such a tool.
9. We’re already here, though – guess I might as well give him the benefit of the doubt.
10. This cafe is so cute. If anything, at least I have a chic new coffee shop in my ’hood to frequent.
11. Always gotta stay thinking positive.
12. Wait. Is he really licking his fingers right now?
13. When they said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, they really weren’t kidding in my case.
14. Pretty sure this guy has the table manners of an actual toad.
15. When will this be over?
16. I guess his conversational skills could be worse. At least there’s that.
17. See #11. Look at me being all kinds of positive again!
18. The fact that this dude is trying to maintain eye contact with me while he continues to lick his greasy fingers translates to a new low in casual dating for me.
19. And let’s just say there have been some pretty sizable snafus in my dating repertoire.
20. Might as well add this to my misadventures in casual dating. I’m a regular Kate Hudson a la How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
21. Good thing I’m able to maintain focus in the face of grave adversity.
22. Can I put that on my resume?
23. Grave adversity being a series of incredibly mediocre first dates.
24. He’s still licking his greasy sandwich fingers. I can’t make this sh*t up, people.
25. It’s almost entertaining how awful this parody of a first date is.
26. Is it over yet?
27. Can’t wait to tell my sister and/or best friend(s). Hmm, maybe I’ll just shoot them a text right now. Not like this could get any worse anyway.
28. Ugh, he’s finally done. Maybe there is a God.
29. Now I can get out of here and back to my regular scheduled programming. As in, spending Saturday morning with people and things I actually care about. Like friends and caffeine.
30. And, you know, people who have actual table manners.
31. Did he really just say he’s going to text me sometime? After all that? Could someone actually be so clueless?
32. Oh, he’s serious. Ugh, don’t even bother.
33. And I’m out. Till the next painfully awkward episode of my ongoing dating mishaps and misadventures…
34. *drives away and never looks back*