Getting ready for a first date is one hell of a roller coaster: You're equal parts convinced it's going to be a total flop and that he might be the next love of your life. You want to look your absolute best but also just want to stay in your sweatpants all night, and give yourself just as many pep talks as convincing reasons to stay home. Arg! Below are 11 things that go through your head while getting ready for a date.
1. This Is A Lot Of Work. Maybe I Should Just Stay Home And Watch Chef Ramsey.
Usually thought of as you eye your razor, and then you eye those legs that haven't been shaved since Thanksgiving.
2. Is This Too Much Cleavage...Or Not Enough Cleavage
Arg, first date outfits. There are so many fine lines you need to walk, and during one moment of the date prep-time, you're going to forget all of them. Do you look like you're trying too hard? Or do you look like a grade school receptionist? Does this outfit say, “I'm looking forward to these Manhattans and sparkling conversation,” or does it say “I've got the red kind of underwear on tonight.” What are— what are the rules again?!
3. This Is A Lot Of Work. Maybe I Should Stay Home And Makeout With This Bottle Of Wine Instead
Usually thought of as you contemplate putting on a thong.
Thongs make you reconsider so many life decisions.
4. Maybe I'll Just Watch Some Beyonce To Pump Myself Up
There's nothing like watching Bey bump and grind in some couture lingerie to make you feel like you can skewer this guy's heart. Butterflies be gone, you're a strong independent woman that knows what she wants.
The thong goes on.
5. Should I Try Putting On The Dark Lipstick?
Pros: You'll make the man want to bite his fist when you walk into the restaurant. Cons: It will take you approximately 40 minutes, three baby wipes, one possible shower, and one certain mental breakdown to perfect. That and it'll most certainly end up on your teeth at one point of the night, making you look like you just ate a human heart. Dare you try it?
6. I'm Only Going To Have Two Drinks Max Tonight
When in your heart of hearts you're already imagining the white wine you'll be shotgunning. There can't be any butterflies if they're all drowned, right?
7. Should I Just... I Think I'm Going To Cancel
You need to take two buses to get to the bar, the weather outside looks like you've relocated to Russia, he's probably just another Craigslist killer, and you're not 100 percent convinced that going through all that and a murder is what you want to be doing on a Tuesday night.
But then again...you don't want to end up like Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol and her Costco pants and her pet parrot. Don't be Aunt Carol.
8. Should I Try Curling My Hair?
You now look like naughty-Sandy from Grease and need to take a shower and start all over again. Enter internal scream here.
9. Who The Eff Is Texting Me Right Now?
They better not be writing to cancel. Oh my God, they didn't even meet me and they already hate me. This always happens. A girl can't just have one decent evening out. WHY AM I UNLOVABLE? WHY IS MY HOUSE TURNING INTO GREY GARDENS? WHY – Oh, it's just my mom.
10. What If We Have Nothing To Talk About Just As Soon As The Bread Gets Put Down?
And all the other couples will start silently judging us? I bet you that one smug couple in the corner will be putting bets on how long we'll last. OH YEA MATT AND LINDA? WE'LL SHOW YOU. WE'LL MAKE THE DISTANCE.
But seriously, maybe I should make some discreet cue cards?
11. Ermygod Five More Minutes Before I Have To Go
Enter me sweating like a junior high boy. Quick, grab some tissues and stuff them down my sleeves. Ohmygod so nervous. And excited. This is going to be fun. And a total disaster. And hopefully wonderful. Okay, let's do this.
Flips hair and grabs keys.