If only achieving a golden tan didn't mean smelling like bad sunscreen and messing up your bed sheets. For all the effort it takes out of us, here are the 22 stages every girl goes through when they hit the bottle – of fake tan applicator, that is. Because believe it or not, being orange doesn't come naturally to us.
1. You dedicate a night to this sh*t
You don't make any plans for the next 10 hours simply because you want a night in by yourself to apply your fake tan in private. And if we're being honest, you wanna wrap your hair in a towel turban, sing into the hairbrush and soak your feet in lukewarm water. With bubbles.
2. The face
We don't even know where to start. So we swipe, we dab and then we put on some more. Until we look like this...
3. You forget to grease your elbows
The part when you're supposed to apply moisturizer or barrier cream to your dry patches? Yeah, we never do that.
4. You slap it on
There's only so much damage control you can do when armed with bottle and a mitt. Slap it on and hope for the best.
5. You can NEVER do your back
And it's usually slightly shameful to ask someone else for help with this, are we right? (They'd probably just mess it up, anyway.)
6. The leg shave
Damnit. We couldn't resist. And now our leg pores are all open and big and stuff.
7. You only self-tan exposed skin
You know when you just paint the two or three toes you can actually see in your peep toe pumps? Same goes for tanning. If you can't see it, don't bother.
8. The mess
You're going to spill it. It's going to happen.
9. You smell like...
If you're lucky, you smell like either sunscreen or coconuts. If you're not, you'll smell like cat p**s. There's really no telling which way it will go.
10. The massive f*ck up
Admit it, you got impatient with the whole thing and applied the 'instant' like it was 'gradual' and now you're glued to your mirror trying not to scream. WHEN. WILL. IT. STOP.
11. Your dad acts awkward
He doesn't know what to say to you that won't sound offensive, so he just makes the awkward face. No questions asked.
12. Your hands don't look like skin anymore
Ain't got no time to be messing around with toothpaste and lemon juice. We'll take the orange hands, thanks.
13. The bedsheets
Your fresh, white linen sheets are now a lovely shade of St. Tropez. Oh, and they stink. And look like you had an accident. Great.
14. You can't sleep
Duvet on, kick duvet off, repeat. It's sticky, you feel gross, you smell gross. Ugh, remind us why we did this again?
15. The morning after
*Rush to the mirror* How do I look? We'd cry if it didn't make our tans run.
16. The oompa loompa
'Just one more coat on my face,' she said. Famous last words. When should we have stopped?
17. The shower
It's shower number four and yet you still smell like a human pastry.
18. The streaks
We were sure we applied it as evenly as humanly possible but somehow we now look like we've got a skin condition all over our legs. Zebras are in right now, right?
19. The teeth
You overdid it, but it's fine because your teeth look extra white now. #faketanfail
20. You missed a spot
Damn you, white armpits. It's fine, we'll just dance with our arms by our sides all night.
21. You don't moisturize
You swear that THIS TIME you'll remember to moisturize every day. But of course you don't, so you start to flake and peel. Nice. Time to start scrubbing it off yet?
22. It rains
Originally published by Lareese Craig